Horoscopes: 05.19.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Joy and Sorrow are twins who often walk the same road together. A traveler must get to fully know one of them to understand the other. Don't be discouraged if one lingers longer than desired. His brother is never too far behind.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Making decisions is actually very easy for you. Taking action on those decisions, however... You need to stop questioning your gut. You've been right far more often than not, and so what if you're wrong? Stop being a stubborn bull.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

You want a change in your life. You desire new things, new love, new experiences, but you wake up every morning and do the same exact thing you did yesterday. See the problem?

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

You've let good people walk out of your life because you choose not to be there for them, like they had always been there for you. That was your choice, so stop blaming them for it.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Belief in yourself is a wonderful gift, and essential for success. Spread some of that around. Help others find that strength within themselves too. You'll shine brighter for it as well.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

What does your future hold? You worry about tomorrow constantly, but don't you think it would be more prudent to turn that anxious energy into something more productive... like a plan? Just sayin'.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

The weather has been wondrously rainy the past few days. It's a great time to hide away from the world, cuddle up under a blanket with a good book and lose yourself somewhere far far away...

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

What has holding onto resentment brought you? Has it brought you wealth? joy? abundance? or just an upset stomach and an aneurysm? Let... it... go.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Where do you picture yourself in five years? in ten? Make a plan. It doesn't need to be set in stone, but everyday you should be taking at least one step closer to that dream.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

There's nothing wrong with celebrating a quiet, solitary life. Peace and tranquility are easier to maintain without anybody else's bullshit adding to your own. However, the world is full of wonder and life. Don't close it out.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Let your body and spirit recharge. They are tired, and deserve their rest. You give and give and do and do, but even the Olympics take a four year break. Relax.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Let the day take you today where ever it wishes. Adventure is in the stars for you, so step outside and dance for awhile.

Horoscopes: 05.12.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Bits of light and darkness exist in everyone, but you can choose which one of the two to foster and feed. What type of deeds do you want to be remembered by?

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Sentimentality can often force us to linger in moments or places that we need to move passed. The heart can move forward, and loses nothing in doing so.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Love is not really that complicated. Often our natures refuse to comprehend how simple unconditional love really can be. It just is. It requires nothing. Demands nothing. Let go of the obstacles your stubbornness is creating, and... just... be.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Ever notice how rainbows always make themselves known after a storm? You just need to know where to look. Sometimes, you can even see them while the storm still rages. Again, you just need to know where to look...

Leo: July 23 - August 22

You have the right to achieve your goals. The only thing that has been preventing you is your expectation that it should be easy.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Staring at a wall in the hopes that it will miraculously gain a window rarely works. So, you can either... (a) make a hole in the wall yourself for said window, or (b) find a wall that already has a window. Either way, the view improves.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

There is nothing wrong with enjoying a few "sinful" treats every once in awhile. I won't tell.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Your anger has always made you feel powerful, because you have wielded it like a weapon. Weapons have no loyalty and can easily be turned back onto the wielder.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You want to bring change into your life. Start small. Believe in yourself and in your ability to manifest those changes. Clear away anything that no longer serves your goal. You are not stuck... you are simply not moving.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

You have been desperately trying to convince yourself that you have no control over your circumstances. You almost believe that, but somewhere... deep down... is a little voice inside you screaming at the top of its lungs that you're full of shit.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

The amazing thing about the brain is that it never gets full. Learn something new this week... no matter how random or bizarre you might think it is. Think of it as another adventure. You like those.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

You need to find a quiet place to recharge your inner battery. You've been pulling from it and pulling from it to the point that it is almost drained. Refuel. Recharge. Renew.

Horoscopes: 05.05.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Storms are meant to test our resolve. When they seem never-ending and all-encompassing... remember that you are made up of both stone and stardust. You can choose to either resist the storm, or be taken up with it and fly.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Fight that little inner voice of yours that keeps telling you "No", "You are not good enough", "You are not worthy" or that you are unloved. Unfortunately, we tend to believe what we tell ourselves. Flip the script. Every time you see your face in the mirror say "Yes, I am worthy." Start with that.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Yesterday is gone. It's troubles went with it. Today is here. Live in it, with it. Don't judge it by the bitterness left by another day's passing.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Surround yourself with bright colors, and the simple things that bring you joy. It's a gift to be able to find bliss so easily.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

There will always be wolves at the door. That will never change. However, if we learn to look for the lights, no matter how dark it gets... we will always find lanterns shinning bright to guide us home.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

We take a step, and we fall. We get up again, and we fall again. We rise. We fall. Again. And again. Stop believing you will always fall. Believe instead that you can fly, and you will stop stumbling.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

You love to plan things out to perfection. Having a flawlessly lined out agenda can be a comfort blanket, no doubt. What's the worse that could happen if you got rid of those plans, and just let the wind take control for once? I'll give you a hint... it's called an "adventure".

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

You cannot continue to avoid taking responsibility for your past actions. Yes, the past is the past. Move on. However, you can't move on until you've accepted your part in the consequences that your actions or lack of action produced. Truth.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Anxiety is an old friend. It shows up at your door uninvited, with a backpack and some snacks. It intends on staying, however the length of its visit is entirely up to you. It can stay just for dinner, or it can become a roommate.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Negativity disrupts all other energies around it. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety (see Sagittarius). Resentment. Jealousy. Every time your life has come to a standstill, one of these idiots was to blame. Thing is, you're smart enough to see that... so, why has it become a cycle? A simple "No" can begin to change a lifelong pattern.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Plan a trip with yourself for a change. The world will not come crashing down if you let everyone handle their own business for once. Where shall you go? A museum? A gallery? A zoo? A beach? Your soul needs a recharge. It's perfectly fine to let it have one. No one else's approval is required.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Precious little fishie, what have you done? You've neglected your chores, the demands the world has placed on your shoulders, your family's expectations and even fate's decree. Good for you!

Horoscopes: 04.28.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Dreams should not be achieved by the cost and the loss of self. While we can evolve and grow into the "ourselves" we envision or want to be tomorrow, our core natures should be preserved.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Enjoy tranquility when it presents itself. Few ever truly cherish it as much as it should be. Find those quiet moments through your day and use them as mini-recharges for your internal battery.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Do not linger on stressful moments that have passed. They have been dealt with. Move on. You gain nothing by replaying the resolved tensions of yesterday.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

I often recommend walks in nature to clear a cluttered mind, but you can also bring a little nature inside to reap the same rewards. Put a small plant at your desk at work. Tend to it, and it will tend to you.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

You tend to take your inner strength for granted. It's endless if you need it to be. You don't need to shut down your emotions to be powerful, however. You are a lion. Roar.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Many times we get stuck in the "that's not fair" mentality. Life isn't always fair. It doesn't have to be. It just is. Nature isn't always fair. It doesn't have to be. It just is. When storms present themselves, just remember that it's not personal. It just is.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Procrastination is the first step to regret. Get off your ass.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Wishing alone does not bring our deepest desires to fruition. You need to add "action" and "perseverance" to the recipe... and a little cinnamon.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You're waiting for the world to finally hand you something fabulous to make up for all the crap you've been previously handed. Ironically, the actually world is waiting for you to do something fabulous. Don't disappoint.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Singing in the shower will never suffice if what your heart really wants is to sing on a stage. Don't diminish your light simply because you think others may not approve of your choice of sequins and heels.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

If you often find yourself "playing yourself down" to fit in with the people around you... you are around the wrong people. We are meant to shine, not fade.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

There can never be too many fish in the sea. Spread some love, little fishie. You get so much joy from making other smile. It fuels you. It feeds you... and it makes you glow.

Horoscopes: 04.21.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Do not let a single moment set the pace for the rest of the day. Moments of sadness, despair and anger never last longer than we allow them to. Instead of dwelling... release.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

You often seem to merely allow life to happen to you, and then blame someone else when something doesn't turn out as you wish it had. We are as equally responsible for our inactivity as we are for our actions.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Dreams are a wondrous thing, but they will remain dreams if action filled with purpose does not follow.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Anger can be powerful emotion worth experiencing. Too many times, we judge "anger" as being a negative thing, but it exists for a purpose... to process and release the negativity that builds up within us. If we don't own it, it eventually comes to own us.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

The spotlight can be very alluring as well as deceiving. Celebrate your successes with a little modesty and you'll find that more people will be willing to celebrate with you.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

The ones we love often end up inadvertently being on the receiving end of a lot our stress and tensions. Plan a nice surprise getaway for the one who always lifts you up. Let them know there is someone to lift them up too.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

The days have beautifully rainy and grey, but you actually love this type of weather. There is nothing wrong with sitting in your yard during a rainstorm and having a martini with or without an umbrella.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

That little voice in your head is called "guilt". Unfortunately, ignoring her won't make her go away. It won't make her silent either. If she's not addressed, she'll become a permanent resident and she'll rub her filthy paws over everything you do.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Say it... you are afraid of making your dreams come true. They're fine and dandy as long as they are all just fancy daydreams to get lost in, but it takes hard work to shine bright. 

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

There's nothing wrong with living in the sidelines every so often. No one bothers you. You stay out of the limelight. It's quiet. It's peaceful, but it's also lonely.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Joyful energy is very powerful. It's uplifting and contagious. The truly amazing aspect of it, however, is that it does not deplete the more of it gets spread about—it increases.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Is playing the peacemaker all the time truly all you thought it would be? It's admirable, without question, but not at the cost of your own tranquility.

Horoscopes: 04.14.14

Today's Horoscopes are brought to you by my bookshelf...

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Legacy of the Drow by R.A. Salvatore

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Sex in History by Reay Tannahill

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Secret Identity by Craig Yoe

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Imajika by Clive Barker

Leo: July 23 - August 22

A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maquire

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

The Complete Kama Sutra by Alain Danielou

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Living Together: Practical Legal Issues by Margaret C. Jasper

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Dancer From the Dance by Andrew Holleran

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

The Writing Life by Anne Dillard

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

The Stand by Stephen King

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Es La Habana by Pepe Navarro

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Grendel by John Gardner

Horoscopes: 03.31.14

Today's Horoscopes are brought to you by my iPod...

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Takin' Over by C+C Music Factory

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Go West by The Village People

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Silicone by Willam (featuring Detox & Vicky Vox)

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Dream Boi Cream Boi by Jonny McGovern

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Koko Would Like a Bump by Jonny McGovern (featuring Koko Aviance)

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

The Vagina Song by Willam

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Do Not Disturb by Jim Verrarose

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Dirty Love by Johnny Weir

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Bossy Bottom by Jonny McGovern

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Whiskey in Chruches by Cassidy Haley

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Nothing At All by Levi Kreis

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Amsterdam by John Quale

Horoscopes: 03.24.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

It is a time of reflection for Aries. Things have been shaken up around you. You're surrounded by unsettled dust clouds and misty rain... uncertain of what caused the upheaval, and uncertain how to resolve it. Let the dust settle; it's easier to start walking once you can see the floor.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

What have you done? You've settled. You've settled for a job that does not inspire you, and for a love life with no spark. How easily we forget that inactivity is also a choice. Once chooses not to move forward. Choose otherwise.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Single again? Perhaps it is time to start wondering whether or not "other people" are the problem. Fix that crack in the full-length mirror, because you haven't been seeing yourself quite clearly. You control the image you portray of yourself, make sure it's the one you want people to see.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Little Cancer... Oh, delicate little crab. You hold onto things too dearly.. as though letting go means they will never be replaced. Love always renews itself. There is a pearl in the ocean with your name on it, but holding on to an empty clam is pointless.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Happiness. It's far simpler than what most of us think. Usually the obstacles preventing us from finding or achieving happiness found their way in front of us, because we put them there. Love is easy too. So is peace. Don't fight everything around you. Not every match needs to end in death.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Once upon a time, dear Virgo, you were my delight to torture, but alas fate has made me fall in love with one of your own. Such is karma. I still think you're a vain bitch, but I'll start picking on Taurus from now on. I have always said it... "People treat you exactly how you let them." You have no one to blame, but yourself for the tire marks on your back.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

You seek to find a way to sort things out and bring calm to the current turmoils of your life. Job. Significant Other. Children. Privacy. Sometimes it's not easy. However, we easily get caught up in what we don't have, that we forget to see what blessings we've been given. Count yours.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Did you think just because your tail is full of poison that your immune to venom? You're so busy lashing out that you have failed to realize that in attempting to strike your target, you've struck yourself instead.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Sagittarians are supposed to be the Zodiac's optimist. Why have you filled with your mind and heart with such trivial concerns that in truth carry no weight? Deal with or dismiss them. Don't let them bring anymore shadow into your life. Chances are, you've said it to others a billion times, "It all works itself out in the end." Guess what... it really does. Let it go.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Don't fear the darkness. It can be comforting, strengthening, empowering, even healing. You've needed to begin the healing process within yourself for a long time. The hurt does not just magically go away. It's time to bring your issues to the surface and deal with them.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

You feel energized, uplifted, overjoyed, and even euphoric. Ignorance sure is bliss, honey. It's best that you don't know what's coming around the corner. If you keep skipping along, looking up at the sky, maybe the bus will swerve out of your way and fail to hit you. Yeah! >clap< >clap< Fun times!

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Keep on swimming! Keep on swimming! Go liitle fishie! Go! You need encouragement! Support! Therapy... make an appointment. Stop following the rest of the school so closely... swim out on your own from time to time. You'll get farther.

Horoscopes: 03.17.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Where there is smoke, there is usually fire. You've been letting off steam slowly, but sometimes the only way people will truly understand is if you let them touch the stove and get burned.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Isn't it amazing how quickly we can get caught up in the small day-to-day routines and forget to live and enjoy our lives? This is a one-way trip, darling, don't be afraid to leave some of the bags at home.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Beauty is not just skin-deep. Please go to a spa, and get those nasty overgrown eyebrows tweaked a bit. People stop and look at you on the streets because you look like a yeti.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Well... things can only get better.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Why are you at home? Why are you just sitting in front of a computer, staring mindlessly out into virtual space? Boredom? Fear? Are you ugly? If you are, put a bag on your head and head outside anyway - the sun is shining!

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

I haven't said it to you enough. I've tried and tried to get the message across to you. You are just trash.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

You're life lately hasn't had any new evolutions or new devolutions for that matter either. At the least your stable; that's more than most people can say.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Dear Scorpio, vicious little bitch of the Zodiac... sometimes the damage done after opening one's mouth cannot be undone. You would be surprised how many more friends you can maintain if you just practice some tact.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

The path to your future is still there. You are not at a crossroads. You've just stopped walking. Heading back in the right direction is as easy as putting one foot in front of the other.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Dancing naked in the living room to really loud music is great fun and good for the soul; bring a dance partner or two.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

You almost always have a clear idea of what's wrong or right. Most of your friends would describe you as level-headed and well-balanced. Change.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

As always, little fishie, I try to aim as much love and good will in your direction as I can. You've got a good heart and a beautiful soul. Let others enjoy it too.

Horoscopes: 03.10.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Life, more often than not, is a constant test and struggle of what we can accomplish, of what we can overcome, and what of what we can royally fuck-up. It's your choice as to how you wish to be remembered.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

There are a lot of things we don't like dealing with. The "Truth" is usually right on top of that list. Do you know why the term "bullshit" is used to refer to lies? Have you ever smelled a "bull's shit"?

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

It's an amazing gift to be able to see both sides of an argument - and I don't mean "yours" and "yours".

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Occasionally, we let ourselves get overwhelmed by the insane amount of day-to-day activities that fill our life. We fill our plates with far more than we can consume, and then complain about not being able to get rid of it all. There is no evil in recognizing your limits and respecting them.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

You're expecting the new year to bring in tons of wondrous new things into your life... love, happiness, joy, wealth, etc. While you're at it, wish for a reality check, because you need that too.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Mr. Right is right around the corner. Unfortunately, you are on the midtown bus heading in the opposite direction.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Why are you afraid to start enjoying your life now? Are you waiting for some golden opportunity of happiness? Some white knight on a valiant steed to rescue you from all that is mundane? There is happiness and joy in everyday of our lives, and choosing to be happy is a very empowering move.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Sex is better than coffee. Sex is better than chocolate. Sex is better than liquor. Put down the cup of coffee, the glass of merlot, and that slice of cake. Now replace them.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

There are no obstacles in your life that you do not give power to. The only thing that has ever stood in your way... is... you. Move aside and let yourself be the person you were meant to be. The world is waiting, and it's getting impatient.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

It always amazes me how quickly change can come about with even just the smallest grain of effort. Get up off of your ass. Shake the numbness from your legs and watch some of that change begin to happen.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Let's try something new? Stop complaining. Stop regretting things that didn't happen. Stop walking around with that sad defeated look on your face. Stop hiding. Stop... and just breathe.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

What do you feel like doing today? How about a walk in the park with someone else's dog? No? Alright. How about a walk through a nudist colony without the dog? Do something daring. You'd be surprised how liberating it will feel.

Horoscopes: 03.03.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Sometimes we get caught up in the glorious grand moments of life, and forget about the small wonders that used to mystify us as children. Go and play.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Everyone stumbles through the difficult moments of life. There is no such thing as being prepared for anything. We must all learn to take the ills of life with the same acceptance as the good. There is a lesson in both.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Those headaches you've been having ARE stress-related. Deep down inside you've known that. Focus. Breathe. Relax... and let it go.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Silence, they say, is golden. So is the satisfaction of opening your mouth and confronting villainy where its bred. Stand up for yourself.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Nothing's changed. You are in the same exact spot you where last month, and the month before that, and the month before that. Why?... because you choose to be. We choose our opportunities, and we also choose not to take them.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

My poor dear child... You've run out of men.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Allow yourself to be silly. You have a great deal of "fun" inside you waiting to be let free. Let yourself laugh. Let yourself smile. Let yourself live.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

We all want great changes in our lives to take place overnight. Patience often yields incredible rewards. Do you have what it takes to sit back and wait?

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You've said it to others, "Proud Archer". Karma comes around. It's no different for you. You've allowed your course to stray, and it has brought you unhappiness and remorse. Pick up another arrow, aim at that target, and let it fly. You never miss.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Sometimes the smallest effort on your part can make another's day. Don't forget to tell your bus driver "Thank you".

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Silence is golden, but joy is precious. When was the last time you sat down alone in a park, surrounded only by nature's wonder? You're past due.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

There is safety at home, but the light doesn't get all the way in. You have to step outside into the sun to feel its warmth. Don't be afraid. It's safe outside too.

Horoscopes: 02.24.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Life can be broken down into simple truths, and our happiness is often linked to one of those. Hold on to and believe in the truth you have loved.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Don't judge others by the bad experiences you have had. Learn to see new people and the world around you with a fresh set of eyes.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Life has thrown too much at you too soon. Filter away the inessentials, but beware of losing something valuable that you may not be able to reclaim later.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Judgment is at hand, Cancer. Stay home... and be afraid.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

It's been a long time since you've been truly happy. You've been feeling trapped and very insecure. I've said this to you several times before. We are all responsible for the route our lives take. Make a change, and feel happiness again.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Change the bed sheets, honey. They're looking nasty.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Sometimes personal evolutions can be scarey. However, to become a better you, we often have to surrender away those old familiar patterns that do nothing but keep us in circles.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Often, it is not life that is overwhelming, but rather our fear of it. Changes that come along unexpectedly are sometimes exactly what you need.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Perception. Perspective. It's all about our own personal point-of-view. Sometimes, however, combining a few other points-of-view along with your own will lead you to a truth that has remained elusive.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

You have put an enormous amount of responsibilities and tasks upon yourself. Be gentler with your expectations this week. You're not as young as you used to be.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Ego is often at the core of all our bad decisions. It's hard to put aside the "me", and think of the "him", the "her", the "us" or the "we". It takes effort to change that perspective honestly... but the rewards you earn can be magnificent.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

If the river proves to harsh to swim in... find a pond.

Horoscopes: 02.17.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

All is fair in love and war. Not all the moments in our lives are going to be rosey. Compromise is key. We have to learn when to bend, and when to firmly stand our ground.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

You're sitting at home sulking about how bad life is. No one loves you or respects you... well, have you given them any reason to?

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Life seems to happen all around you. You have fallen into the convenient and very safe role of a spectator. Opportunity knocks, but it won't open the door for itself.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Our hopes and dreams exist to give us something to aspire to. You've cluttered your day with far too much needless junk. It's blocking your vision and your path. Grab some garbage bags.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Excitement. Opportunity. Love. Tranquility. The things you want in your life as not as difficult to attain as you've believed.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

You've been seeking a new beginning... one that will empower you with the strengths to bring on positive changes in your life. Maybe it's time you withdraw a little from the limelight and do some soul-searching.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

You've paid a high price for a revelation, dear Libra. You've lost friends and a loved one, but... maybe... just maybe... the lesson you've learned is worth much more.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Sometimes, tiny steps of evolution require us to step outside ourselves and the boundaries we've set out of fear.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You're drained and worn out. Return to the basics... the simple things that recharge you and give you satisfaction. The seasons are changing... change with them. Find a new purpose and a new direction.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

We all make mistakes. It's a natural part of being human, but it's what we do after acknowledging it that defines our humanity.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

The great water-bearer is humbled. You've hit a brick wall and have no idea what to do now. You've always followed your instincts and inner feelings to lead you in the right direction. Why should now be any different?

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

The river of life has pulled you in many directions, and you have always managed to swim up river. You have a powerful sense of direction and purpose when you call on it.

Horoscopes: 02.10.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Your life is a drama.
Your career is a Broadway hit.
Your love life is an HBO special, and your sex life is a marathon.
You deserve an award for excellence.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

So much has changed in your life recently. Responsibility has knocked on your door, and let itself in. You are more than capable of meeting all those hefty challenges ahead, but only if you believe you are.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Sometimes great wisdom can come out of the mouth of an idiot - sit back and listen to that inner voice you've been ignoring.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Again - STRESS MANAGEMENT. It's not an easy thing especially when outside sources are responsible for most of your trauma, but... inner peace and balance DOES conquer all. Focus... Focus... Breathe and relax.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Learn the joy of giving on this day of love. Give red roses. Give dark chocolate. Give simple presents. Give honest hope. Give grateful thanks. Give loving joy. Give heartfelt honesty. Give sincere apologies, and you will receive the world in return.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

"Love is in the air", but not for you.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Tramp. Tramp. Tramp. Tramp. Finally... a wild side, to the ever balanced and focused Libra. I stand amazed, and very... VERY proud. You have tipped the scale, and it has tipped in your favor. Be adventurous. This is your curtain call. Don't fuck it up!

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

It's very easy to overlook the small and tiny joys of life, but those same small pleasures can hold the greatest truths.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

"Hello, young lovers wherever you are..." You want it all... A fab career, a fab love life, a fab social life... Well, fellow Sag's., make a wish and blow out that cosmic candle, cause 2001 is bringing changes that are gonna rock your boat. It's sink or swim, baby!

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Sincerity and a little humility can take you further than you think. Sometimes, the road of least resistance actually does provide the sweetest fruit.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Think out your words carefully before you actually speak them. A careless phrase can do far more damage than you realize. You may inadvertently hurt the feelings of a loved one.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Well... you've been sitting on your ass doing nothing. What are you waiting for, little fishie? The light has turned green. It means "GO".

Horoscopes: 02.03.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Joy and sorrow are all natural parts of life. One cannot exist without the other. One can not be appreciated without the other. Accept the pains of loss, and soon you will feel the joys of renewal.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

It is time for the hideous self-criticism to come to an end. Your strive for perfection is doomed to fail. Accept your faults alongside your virtues, and you will be a greater person for it.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Alcohol and good judgments don't mix, especially with you.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Take care not to boast too loudly about your accomplishments, not everyone celebrates your successes.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

You have felt the pull of the changing seasons. Creative energies have recharged you. Follow your animal urges and instincts. Live spontaneously.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

The maiden of the Zodiac is embodiment of chastity, pure hearted and kind bearer of good fortune. Wake-up, bitch... everyone knows you're full of shit.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Dishonesty never suited you. Many others have come to rely on your straight-forwardness. It is a beautiful quality to have.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Self-revelations often overshadow the deeper truths of the moment. Step outside your self-doubt and try to see yourself with a different set of eyes.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

This year has taken you on a powerful journey of self-discovery and re-definition, but it seems the destination is not where you expected it to be. Make the most of this powerful transition. Trust your inner spirit... its wisdom has never failed you.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Stop defining yourself by what others have, and you think you lack. Truly examine yourself and find those incredible qualities that make you incredible.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Fortune Cookie Moment: Simple acts of random kindness often bring about unexpected moments of great happiness.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

The waters are your route to renewal. Take a walk to a nearby pond, lake, or river and jump in! Get wet, and let yourself feel re-energized.

Horoscopes: 01.27.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Don't feel the need to define every aspect of your life. Order has its place, granted, but so does the unexpected, the unresolved, and the unexplainable. Except all those elements as pieces of your life, neither good nor ill, but simply necessary.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

It's time to come to terms with past mistakes and ill decisions. You can't keep running from everything. Eventually, something will catch you.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Negative emotions serve a purpose. Anger. Rage. Depression. Fear. Loneliness. Hatred. They are all a part of us. Not confronting them only makes them stronger. By accepting them, you can learn amazing things about yourself and your limits.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Family issues are on your mind. You've been feeling "left out" for a long time. Don't keep your feelings bottled up. They won't know how you feel unless you tell them.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Joy and Love don't always walk hand-in-hand. The path of "True Love" is riddled with obstacles, and challenges... whether you conquer them or get conquered depends on how you view them.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Sex is not bad. Sex is not a sin - but in all things... a little moderation is preferred. After all, even God took Sunday off.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

Truth. The Truth can be a powerful entity - taking on a life of its own and unraveling everything around it. Like a forest fire, it can consume and burn everything it touches... but what grows afterwards... is even stronger.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Happy Birthday, Scorpio! Do you feel the tug of powerful forces? 2013 has been hard on everyone, but it's energy is out the door. Are you ready for 2014?

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Magic is in the air and all around us. Mischief follows close afoot. A spiritual reawakening is not far. Let your inner spirits guide you. The path before you is a beautiful one. Walk it with style.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Tolerance is a virtue, but acquiring it is a Godsend.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Climb the "Family Tree". Your roots are a part of you. Discovering more about them can lead to deeper revelations about yourself.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Sadness and loss have filled you in the past few weeks. A loved one is now gone, but they left something very beautiful behind... memories. Share them, and get pleasure from the pleasure they give.

Horoscopes: 01.20.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Your life has changed drastically... and for the better. However, you seem to always get caught in the moments of "here and now" It's very easy not to look ahead, and even easier to not look behind. Sometimes you really need to do both of those to appreciate the where of when you are.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Sometimes, simple "everyday magic" can bring a fresh air to your life. The presence of scented candles or your favorite flowers (or both) can lighten up and relieve a great amount of tension.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

You have had your fair share of hardships through your life - perhaps even far more than your due. Instead of complaining about that, sit back for a moment and realize that you've come through all of it.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

I can never stress enough that there is great beauty in simple things. Never let your life get too complicated. Take your work seriously, but never take yourself too seriously.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

Sometimes, people forget that they possess the power and ability to bring forth change in their life. You get up every morning, have a cup of coffee, get dressed, and head to work. Change your routine.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Virgo, every time I do these horoscopes I say, "I'll be nice to Virgo this week. I promise.", and every time I do nothing but hammer that fragile little ego of yours into the maggot-ridden dirt where it belongs. I apologize.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

The epitome of balance and focus... the essence of ambition and drive...delusions, by their nature, are sweet indeed. Wake up, baby... you ain't a saint, yet.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Life is full of many beautiful and magical moments... Sometimes we forget to sit back and just enjoy what the world is doing around us. There's nothing wrong with being a spectator.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You always see the "best" in others. You avert your eyes from their faults and focus on those qualities that empower them. You are an idealist, an optimist. You believe "That good will ALWAYS defeat evil", and "love DOES conquer all". Well, you know what... you're right.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Life never promised that it would be fair. It never said it would give you an equal share or a helping hand. It never gave you a pat on the back. In truth, you never expected one. Prepare yourself for a surprise. Life owes you one, and it intends to pay... with interest!

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

You've been feeling stuck... unappreciated... unmotivated... and undesireable. It's time to redefine yourself. You've accomplished far more this year than you've given yourself credit for.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Without those little obstacles that make life interesting, what would force those tiny little steps of evolution we all occasionally take? Evolve, little fishie.

Horoscopes: 01.13.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

2014 promises to be a sweeter year. 2013 left you drained and almost broken. You survived, and prospered despite the odds. Expect nothing less than the best this year, because you're going to get it!

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

Making amends for past mistakes is a great way to begin a new year. You've stepped on several toes, recently. "I'm sorry" can mean a lot more than you think.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Focus... Focus... Breathe and relax. Don't let those tense moments overwhelm you. You have a great capacity for reason. Learn to keep your anger in check.. Focus... Focus... Breathe and relax.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

Simplicity can often bring great joy. Look around yourself. Maybe it's time to clear out some of that old clutter. In fact, isn't trash day just around the corner?

Leo: July 23 - August 22

You feel very low on energy right now. The holidays have drained a great deal out of you. There is nothing wrong with needing a holiday from holidays. Be selfish. Vanish for a few days and recharge.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

You poor woman. Time after time, I have endlessly battered your ego with vicious little comments about your lack of morality and overzealous sex life... but, darling... those are your good qualities.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

You've been waiting for things to change in your life. New career opportunities. New excitement in your love life. New places to go. Did it ever occur to you that you possess the power to bring on those changes? Quit your job... have sex on a roller coaster... in Japan.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Beloved Scorpios, are you feeling unhappy? Confused? Overwhelmed? Distraught? Too fucking bad.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

Have you ever noticed, that I have never given fellow Sagittarians a truly bad horoscope? It's nice to be in power. 2013 generally sucked Wookie cock, but had a few good moments. 2014 will be better.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I have warned you time and again about the vicious little "nasties" that come out of your mouth. You've hurt the feelings of someone close to you and guilt is sitting on your shoulder. My suggestion... a nice candlelit dinner and a bottle of champagne. Enjoy it... cause unfortunately, you'll be dining alone.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Pride has been known to prevent many great people from truly succeeding in life. Be realistic about yourself and your talents.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

Chocolate is your friend, and so am I.

Horoscopes: 01.06.14

Aries: March 21 - April 20

Greet the New Year with enthusiasm, because it's prepared to bring you a basket of goodies... starting with a deeper understanding of yourself.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21

A year of rebirth and restructure, lies ahead. You can profit greatly if you keep your eyes open for those subtle opportunities.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21

Energy. Power. Faith. Determination. Courage. Compassion. Honesty. Wisdom. The keys to success are not as unattainable as you have been imagining. In fact, you already possess them.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22

The best gifts come in the smallest boxes... or the sincerest advice. Make sure to say "Thank You", and mean it.

Leo: July 23 - August 22

This is not the time to sit back and be lazy. So much is headed your way, but you are going to have to get off your ass to get it.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22

Happy New Year, bitch.

Libra: September 23 - October 23

It seems the greatest words of wisdom are often spoken after a few beers. So are the deepest confessions of truth. You've kept too much inside for so long. Don't "bottle up" your sentiments any longer.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22

Don't judge "The New" by "The Old". The events of your past are only the hammer and chisel. It takes heart, intuition, and faith to create a true masterpiece that will last forever.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21

You've sacrificed a lot of yourself for others. You have put aside what you really feel just in an attempt to shield the feelings of another. Is it an inner sense of nobility that drives you or a fear of opening your mouth? A little selfishness does not a villain make.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20

"Nothing turns out the way I want it", "Everything I touch crumbles to ashes", "I Hate my life". When someone asks, "What's wrong?" they don't necessarily want to really know.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19

Start off the new year with a vacation. Getting away is a great way to recharge those dried-up batteries.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20

"Step 1" is easy. It's the "What do I do know?" that always brings up issues. Your instinct has guided you this far. Maybe it's time to let go of some that "Got to have a plan" mentality, and swim free.