Aries: March 21 - April 20
2014 promises to be a sweeter year. 2013 left you drained and almost broken. You survived, and prospered despite the odds. Expect nothing less than the best this year, because you're going to get it!
Taurus: April 21 - May 21
Making amends for past mistakes is a great way to begin a new year. You've stepped on several toes, recently. "I'm sorry" can mean a lot more than you think.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21
Focus... Focus... Breathe and relax. Don't let those tense moments overwhelm you. You have a great capacity for reason. Learn to keep your anger in check.. Focus... Focus... Breathe and relax.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Simplicity can often bring great joy. Look around yourself. Maybe it's time to clear out some of that old clutter. In fact, isn't trash day just around the corner?
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You feel very low on energy right now. The holidays have drained a great deal out of you. There is nothing wrong with needing a holiday from holidays. Be selfish. Vanish for a few days and recharge.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You poor woman. Time after time, I have endlessly battered your ego with vicious little comments about your lack of morality and overzealous sex life... but, darling... those are your good qualities.
Libra: September 23 - October 23
You've been waiting for things to change in your life. New career opportunities. New excitement in your love life. New places to go. Did it ever occur to you that you possess the power to bring on those changes? Quit your job... have sex on a roller coaster... in Japan.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
Beloved Scorpios, are you feeling unhappy? Confused? Overwhelmed? Distraught? Too fucking bad.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
Have you ever noticed, that I have never given fellow Sagittarians a truly bad horoscope? It's nice to be in power. 2013 generally sucked Wookie cock, but had a few good moments. 2014 will be better.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I have warned you time and again about the vicious little "nasties" that come out of your mouth. You've hurt the feelings of someone close to you and guilt is sitting on your shoulder. My suggestion... a nice candlelit dinner and a bottle of champagne. Enjoy it... cause unfortunately, you'll be dining alone.
Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
Pride has been known to prevent many great people from truly succeeding in life. Be realistic about yourself and your talents.
Pisces: February 20 - March 20
Chocolate is your friend, and so am I.