Aries: March 21 - April 20
A brave new future stands in front of you. It is time for rebirth and rejuvenation. It is the year of jubilee. Take out the champagne, and drink to your closest friends... or off of them. Whatever floats your boat.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21
The past has been overshadowed with regret. Make amends. Apologies are a great way to start anew.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21
Don't allow your past mistakes to cloud your future glories. Let go of your fear and take the leap off that ledge. It's time to spread your wings and fly... Just be sure to have some life insurance first.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Glory follows the foolish. Stop analyzing every little thing you do or every little thing that others do. Let go.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Hope is the greatest shield in times of difficulty - so is a shot of vodka.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Virgo, in the past weeks, I have said some truly vicious things to you... I'm sorry. Go out there... let the world know that you ARE a unique and beautiful snowflake. Tramp.
Libra: September 23 - October 23
You have always trusted your better judgment to get you through the difficult moments. I say... trust the difficult moments to help you evolve beyond your better judgment.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
Stress is an easy excuse to let foul things fly from your mouth. However, resentment makes a far worse bedfellow than stress.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
Pick a target and shoot for it, fellow archers. The world is waiting for you to do something spectacular. Don't disappoint.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
The road to success has a toll booth, and it's exact change only, honey.
Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
Your shrink is right, your mother IS a bitch, but apples don't fall far from the tree.
Pisces: February 20 - March 20
Old habits are easy to make new again. It takes an incredible strength and stamina to fight for what keeps you sane.