Monday, June 17, 2013

Horoscopes: 06.17.13


Aries: March 21 - April 20
You should only feel guilty about casual sex if it was bad. If it was good... change the sheets, turn the page and have a drink.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21
You'll never win the lottery, if you don't buy a ticket. The same advice applies to your lovelife.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21
You've spent all your money on drinks and whores. Ask a Leo how he got rid of that itch, cause you are going to need the info.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Your fifteen minutes of fame felt more like 3 seconds. You have to learn how to praise your own accomplishments, without making others think you're full of yourself. Get yourself a new watch and start over.

Leo: July 23 - August 22
You should do something nice for yourself today. Spend an hour or two at a spa. Go to museum. What makes you happy? What gives you peace of mind? Figure that out, and go do it.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Again, I apologize, poor Virgo. You have been sulking, emotionally battered by the horrible and malicious"misfortunes" I have been telling you. You are beautiful. You are sweet and caring. You are a cheap, butt-fucking, back-stabbing crack whore... oops. Damn.

Libra: September 23 - October 23
Voyeurism turns you on. So? Don't feel cheapened. People pay money for a good show. Grab some popcorn, unzip, sit back and enjoy the show.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
Sometimes more can be said by keeping your mouth shut. Acquire that skill.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
You are feeling overworked, stressed out and edgy. Take your own advice and step down for awhile. You've set your own hours, and agendas... rework the schedule, so you don't feel so drained. Even God took a day off.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
You've been enjoying the company of someone else lately. This good be the start of something truly beautiful. Take your time. Enjoy the details.

Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
Spiritual issues are slowly materializing in the background. You may have some unresolved issues that have been putting heavy guilt on you. Deal with them.

Pisces: February 20 - March 20
Sometimes a nice walk in the park, can clear up a clouded mind... unless it's raining of course.