Aries: March 21 - April 20
Why are you sitting at home, eating popcorn, and watching re-runs of a show you never watched when it originally aired? Your life is on hold, and by your own choice. It is not going to miraculously start up again. People are drawn to you for a reason. Go out and be social.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21
Feeling the fangs of age on the back of your neck? Back hurts in the morning? Legs feeling stiff? Age spots? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Life sucks, Taurus, but was it at least a beautiful ride?
Gemini: May 22 - June 21
You overwork yourself. You keep saying you'll take some time off, but you never do. I've said it before. I will say it again. Take some time off! You are not the endless source of energy you think you are.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
At long last your fifteen minutes of fame are here. Don't fuck this up! You can redefine your life this week, for better or for worse. Listen closely to a potential new job proposal. It may be worth it.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
I hope you got that itch taken care of by now, because I see an upcoming trip for you. It's not going to be glamorous, but it will be fruitful. Stay away from Virgo.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Poor Virgo. Instead of focusing in on your wonderful traits - your confidence, your cheery disposition, and good humor, I've once again been mercilessly bashing you. Then again, if you weren't such an absolute bitch, I'd have nicer things to say to you.
Libra: September 23 - October 23
The scale is tipping. Your attention is being pulled in far too many directions. Focus your energies! You won't get anything worthwhile done, otherwise. You can only walk down one road at a time and actually get anywhere.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
Family issues are in the forefront this week, Scorpio. Keep your mouth shut for awhile, and tend to your own house.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
There is nothing wrong with having a strong sexual appetite. The key word here is "moderation". You have been feeling "taken for granted" lately, haven't you? Well, how much thought goes into turning the doorknob when entering a room... get the connection?
Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
You have finally met someone who is worth the effort - chocolate and roses are not going to be enough. Give it the effort. Give it sincerity, and be original.
Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
Dreams are gateways for inspiration. Listen to what your subconscious has been trying to tell you, and follow the path it leads you down.
Pisces: February 20 - March 20
Domestic issues need attending this week. Spring cleaning should come a little earlier for you this year. Maybe you'll finally get that strange smell of dead fish out of your apartment.