Aries: March 21 - April 20
Sometimes the good things feel like they are too good to believe. Life has had some cruel, dark moments for you in the past. Get ready for tomorrow. The future seems brighter and better than anything you could have hoped for.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21
Taurus, I am tempted to start saying vicious things here, but my new philosophy is "Happy Horoscopes". So, I'll keep my mouth shut. Go have a bagel.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21
Have you ever woken up and felt like it was one of those days where you just did NOT want to leave the house? God is trying to tell you something. Stay home. Clean up the apartment. Walk the dog. Sleep.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
The "Happy Horoscopes" are boring. Old Habits are hard to break... Cancer, you've stuck your foot back into that big mouth of yours. "I'm sorry" is not going to cut it this time. Try some flowers, preferably roses, or someone might just be sending you lilies.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
Life is good, ain't it, bud? Got everything you need - love, laughter, a job, some money in the bank, all you need now is a firm grasp on reality.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
All right, darling, get that cheap skanky ass of yours back to work. Rent's gotta get paid. You've sat back and indulged in sweet nothing for far too long. Work, honey. Work.
Libra: September 23 - October 23
You've always been the level-headed thinker. Everyone has come to rely on you for honest advice. Here's some honest advice - make yourself scarce. Don't let others take you for granted.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
Life has thrown something beautiful into your life. Don't let the fears and regrets of the past overshadow your future. What you've always wished for, has always wished for you.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
Truth and integrity are the two constant forces of your being. Don't deny them. Strengthen them, and in turn, they will nourish all that you do.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
Sometimes, silence says a lot more. If you find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to open your mouth - think twice about what you'll say before you say it. Better to seem a bit aloof than sound like an asshole.
Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
What brings you joy? Where do you get your energies from? You're feeling depleted and drained. Fuel yourself. Center yourself. The world is not as big or as cold as you think it is.
Pisces: February 20 - March 20
The journey of life can often lead us to many places we never would have thought of going on our own. Learn to find the beauty around you. Learn to see the beauty in yourself.