Monday, November 11, 2013

Spread Too Thin...

Have you ever wondered what it takes to actually make you happy? Are you ones of those people who finds pleasures simply and effortlessly from those small humble moments life is filled with, or you the kind who needs the glitz, the glam and a parade of glitter wherever you go? Is there a happy middle between those two extremes?

What do I want? You can't expect the Universe to align the stars to grant you your wish, if you don't even know what that is anymore. I want to make art. Professionally. I want to write. Professionally. Is that the expected answer from me, though? Is that what Robert Mendoza should say? At some point, I became "Azodnem", then at another "The Cuban Witch", both with their own sets of expectations attached. Am I no longer either of those? Who is just Robert? I've slapped my artwork up at CafePress, Imagekind, and Zazzle. I'm even working on adding a store onto Etsy as well to help find forever-homes for some of those original sketches, photographs and treasures that have been hiding away in my old portfolios. They belong on walls, not in darkness. I have a book on Amazon, and am working on a children's book, and a young adult novel series. Great. Fanfare. But who is just Robert?

I was a poet once. Still am. Words flowed like the honey and tasted just as sweet on my fingers. Poets suffer. Artists suffer. It's what we do. It's our oxygen. I've suffered. Most of it my own doing, because for the longest time I refused to let go. I held onto my anger and hurt like they were precious uncut stones that I would eventually be able to turn into diamonds. Sparkle. They were nothing but rocks. Heavy ones. Sometimes, you get used to carrying a weight around for so long that you have no idea what to do when you've released it. You stand still. You sit. You think. You stare at the wall. I stare at the wall. I think. I sit. I stand still. My journey has felt as though it has crawled to a shuffle, and the things that should be bringing me joy have become "tasks" that need to be completed. I need to do this. I need to do that. Am I walking the same road out of habit? I've grown tired of these shoes.

This blog has no substance. No soul. Not like the other one I used to have over at Bravenet. My voice there was very different. I had swag. This one has come to feel almost like an "obligation", I've drenched it in Horoscopes, cheesy App Reviews, and cliche Halloween posts, because... well... isn't that what one would expect from someone called "The Cuban Witch"? Perhaps, I should have also added pictures of coconuts, palm trees and a recipe or two for a good mojito.

I need to tie all this together. I want the bits and bats of me need to add up to something whole, beautiful and complete, but perhaps that's the problem. They don't need to, or can't. Not yet. "Azodnem" is my Grand Central Station, a central hub branching out to all the little nests I've built, and "The Cuban Witch"? Well, maybe that's just Robert in drag.